I must say that up until quite recently I’ve never been much of a believer in conspiracy theories, whether they involved space aliens or corrupt politicians. But all this talk about Russian involvement, or alleged involvement, in the hacking of the DNC and how it affected the outcome of our recent election, really got me to thinking. I began to wonder if perhaps there was some truth to the claims that hacking, allegedly committed by the Russians, might have had an impact on the election to the point where that involvement actually caused Hitlery to lose.
Many conservatives and Trump supporters have long been adamantly dismissive of the possibility that interference by Russian hackers, alleged or otherwise, actually changed the outcome of the 2016 election. But they would do well to rethink things. Because even a cursory glance back over the events of the past few years would reveal how the near constant meddling by the Russians absolutely played a role in denying Hitlery her rightful position as the first female president of these United States of America. And such evidence should not simply be dismissed out of hand.
There are, upon closer inspection, a rather significant number of interesting examples that would seem to indicate just how it was that the Russians were able to manipulate events and to therefore successfully prevent Hitlery from winning the election. Now I know there will be many who, no matter what proof I may offer, will chose to deny any and all involvement by the Russians. So it’s for those deniers that I present the following rundown of events that point out how Hitlery’s seemingly invincible presidential campaign was brought down thanks Russian hacking efforts:
March 1996: Russian Spetsnaz Special Forces pepper Hitlery with sniper rifle fire as she lands in Sarajevo after the Bosnian War. Shortly after, Russian hackers destroy all video footage of this event, replacing it with fake news accounts that Hitlery’s visit was peaceful. Hitlery’s unbelievable bravery in Bosnia is subsequently disbelieved.
January 28, 2009: Russia-financed black hat hackers in Donetsk, Ukraine, hack Hitlery’s personal Blackberry and modify the emails she sends. An email demanding that Hitlery follow all Department of State email rules is quietly deleted, and replaced with a spoof email demanding the creation of a private email server stored at her personal home in New York.
May 2013: A Russian hack of Hitlery’s teleprompter modifies her speech to Banco Itau, altering her speech to say that her dream is “open borders” with the entire Western Hemisphere, instead of her original dream of “safe, well-regulated borders.”
February 2015: Chinese hackers in the employ of Moscow penetrate the Clinton Foundation and alter its payroll to pay men far more than women, causing the Clinton campaign embarrassment when this big imbalance is brought up, undermining their efforts to run a campaign on closing the pay gap.
May 2015: Rudolph Epstein, a minor Hitlery staffer co-opted by a Russian hacker’s girlfriend, convinces Hitlery’s campaign manager Robby Mook to outsource the campaign’s decision-making to a computer program named Ada. The program, though, is simply the work of hackers from Novosibirsk, who use it as a vehicle to sabotage Hitlery’s campaign while promoting various fake news storylines. The program steadily supplies Hitlery with terrible ideas, such as printing off literal “woman cards” and joking about wiping her email server “with a cloth.”
Dec. 22, 2015: A group of Moscow hackers gain access to Hitlery’s campaign website, posting an embarrassing fake news article about how “Hillary Clinton is just like your abuela.” This fake news damages Hitlery’s campaign by causing an unjustified backlash from the public who regard it as ethnic pandering by Hitlery.
March 13, 2016: A Russian spy in Hitlery’s campaign swaps out her primary debate notes with doctored copies produced by Russian intelligence. The doctored notes include a line saying Hitlery wants to put coal miners out of work, which Clinton mistakenly reads, alienating working class whites across the country.
March 15, 2016: The same Russian spy implants electrodes on an unsuspecting Hitlery’s neck as she takes a nap, causing her to later bark like a dog during a rally in Reno, Nevada.
April 10, 2016: Russian agents in New York City advance $4 million into Bill de Blasio’s bank account, bribing him to make a joke about being on “C.P time” (colored people time) in his delayed endorsement of Hitlery for president. The nefarious ploy costs Hitlery thousands of black voters in swing states.
Sept. 7, 2016: Revolutionary Russian technology allows hackers to “hack” Clinton’s memories, causing her to forget entirely about the Benghazi attack and claim no Americans have died in Libya.
Sept. 11, 2016: Biologists tied to the Russian space agency, Roscosmos, use satellites to broadcast damaging rays directly into Clinton’s brain stem, causing her to abruptly collapse at a Sept. 11 memorial service after just 90 minutes outside in mild weather.
Oct. 18, 2016: Armenian hackers tied to Moscow burrow into Hitlery’s campaign bank account, diverting $1 million meant for voter turnout operations in Michigan to the non-competitive states of Indiana and Missouri. For good measure, the hackers also cancel a $2 million ad buy in Pennsylvania and Florida, buying replacement ads in Arizona instead.
Nov. 2, 2016: A hacker collective in Smolensk diverts Hitlery’s campaign plane away from General Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee, forcing her to instead land in Tempe, Arizona, and campaign there. Thanks to this interference, Hitlery doesn’t have a single campaign stop in Wisconsin and narrowly loses the state to Donald Trump.
So there you have it. And as much as I hate to admit it, it seems pretty obvious that old Vlad Putin made it possible for Donald Trump to win the election and become the 45th president of the United States. Anyone require anymore proof? Frankly, it all looks pretty cut and dried to me! Let’s face it, it’s hard to deny that them crafty old Russians just might have played a bigger role in Trump’s victory than even I thought. And if that doesn’t make you want to side with all those demanding recounts or for the Electoral College to elect Hitlery, then I don’t suppose anything will.